News
1 april 2016

Uzbek dropout offers VimpelCom CEO his cut and paste services

El-Tuz has been given permission to publish this letter by university dropout Murad Shakir, who has been inspired by one of Uzbekistan’s most famous entrepreneurs:

 

Dear Jean-Yves Charlier,

I am writing to express my interest in working as a consultant for your global telecommunications company, VimpelCom.

Recently I learnt your company transferred US$30 million to Takilant Limited, a Gibraltar based holding vehicle ultimately owned by businesswoman Gulnara Karimova, in payment for a report on LTE mobile frequencies. US$30 million, wow-wee!

According to an investigation by the US Department of Justice ‘the English report [produced by Takilant] contained similar or identical text as Wikipedia articles, blog entries, and PowerPoint presentations from telecommunications brand. Parts of the Russian report contained similar or identical text as Wikipedia articles, Verizon Wireless whitepapers, news articles, and Beeline PowerPoint presentations’. 

The Department of Justice concludes that the Takilant reports ‘contained little or no original content, relying instead on copied text from open source and other materials’.

In return for risking a repetitive strain injury from all the copy and pasting, we are told US$30 million was deposited into Takilant’s Swiss bank account during September and October of 2011.

Take careful note, I wish to advise you that I am an expert in plagiarising unoriginal content from Wikipedia. Yes, truly! I am also adept at cut and pasting from blogs, news websites and other online sources. You can ask my university professors, they will confirm, I have never submitted an original essay, not one!!

Of course, I would be more than happy to immediately incorporate a company in a secrecy haven in the name of my wife or other proxy individual, with connected bank accounts in Switzerland and Latvia. You will have a wide choice of places to wire me money without snoops knowing.

I realise it’s a competitive marketplace, so I would be more than happy to cut and paste online material for a discounted price of US$20 million.

This reduction takes into account that my father is not the President of Uzbekistan, he is sadly only a welder from Bukhara 🙁 

However, I am sure you will still gladly use my services, because I seriously doubt the US$30 million was paid as a bribe!

Wait to you see how rhythmically I can press command C, followed by command V on my keyboard, you won’t be sorry for employing me.

 

Best Wishes,

Murad Shakir

 

P.S. 90% of this letter has been copied from the internet. I am THAT good! Employ me now!!

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